Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
