So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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