If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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