tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
