yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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