apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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