Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
