Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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