I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
