This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
