Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
