I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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