It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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