I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
