I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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