three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
