can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
