your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
