overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
