SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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