He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
