Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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