why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
