I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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