He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
