By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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