This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
