Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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