oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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