her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
