ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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