I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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