I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
