Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
