so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
