I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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