nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize