My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
