just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We had sex on a dog bed..
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
