I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
