Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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