I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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