i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He better not be in your backpack
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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