So drunk its hurt
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
