I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
