He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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