He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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