Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
