I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
