I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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