I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
