Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize