Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
