I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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