Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
