it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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