She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
