I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
