you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
